I'll never win. But that's ok.

Well I've been pretty quiet haven't I? I would take that as a good thing really, and it has been good. I've been being awake better, my business is improving and I'm doing more. Tai chi has so far been fun, I've done two lessons and although it's deadly on your thighs I've been enjoying it. I'm the youngest in the class by far but oh well, networking and socialising anew I guess!

Things pop up every now and again that I've started to be able to spot. When we first got the Pigs, a week or so later we had to go away for two days and whilst writing the care note for the person popping in on then I started to feel a panic attack building. I told my partners and got them to talk me down until I was calm again.

I recently realised that my anxiety will never go away. Up until that point I thought I was 'winning' and that it was going to disappear and never come back again. It was pretty hard hitting to realise that I have a mental illness, it will never go away but I can never stop fighting it. I'll learn to live with it and not let it take over my life. I'd started to get tired, of therapy and medication, just wishing I could get happy and stay happy but things don't work that way. It's a slow process and I'm an impatient person.

Other things have come to light in my helping myself. Potentially Co-dependancy I believe it's called, this arose because a partner was mad at something and because he didn't want to talk about it I assummed it was something I'd done. I ended up breaking down to my other partner, saying how I'd been 'made' to feel like things were my fault. Though nobody was making me feel anything but myself, I feel responsible for others emotions and make them responsible for mine. I'm not entirely sure how to overcome it, so much for me thinking I was nearly done with therapy. Building my selfesteem would most likely help, try to be responsible for my own emotions and happiness and tell myself it's not my fault if people are angry or upset over anything. I don't have to fix things and make stuff go away all the time.

So my journey continues... I've tried to think of a clever gaming reference to end this on but all I can come up with is +1 small knife. Too much Good Morning Internet obviously.

Day to Day: A Positive Note!

Thank you for comments on this blog so far, things have been on the up a bit recently. Which is nice! I've signed up to Tai Chi classes which start in the next two weeks and we got some Guinea Pigs! I could talk about the pigs all day so I made a new blog for them over HERE. Take a look if you like little balls of fluff with some attitude. 

I've started a routine for myself, which has been eased by having the piggies. Going to sleep and getting up at the same time has been surprisingly helpful. I've been keeping busy, either working, sorting stuff like clothes out and handling and feeding the Guinea Pigs. It's resulted in me feeling quite positive and not giving in to the 'it's going to be a bad day' feeling. Therapy also sent me some relaxation techniques, one of them is focusing on your breathing so that you block out anything you were thinking that was bugging you. It also helps me sleep.

We also just finished Portal 2 (We all watch whilst one plays) and the ending was satisfying :)

This was yoinked from a DA account here

Day to Day: Mum's Birthday

Things have improved since my last post and it's been busy. We had one of the boy's kid sister come to stay with us for nearly a week, it was nice to meet family and such and she's a good kid. It's solidified the fact that we should never procreate though.

During the past week, however, was Mum's birthday. It was a bit rough, I had a good cry in the morning was fairly low mood for most of the day. I spent most of it gaming on the couch but I cooked some comfort food that I ate a lot when I lived at home in the evening. That cheered me up a bit. And of course the capitalism of one of the guys bringing me a present home alongside Tangled and Hercules DVDs. We Disney'd so hard this week. I had a brief moment of guilt over me getting presents on what was my Mum's birthday but I realised I was being silly and it passed. It was nice to have the understanding that it was going to be a weird day for me and the allowance do just do what I needed to to stop myself getting lower.

I got some relaxation stuff from therapy and it recommends Yoga or Tai Chi. So I went to HMV and got a DVD and starting doing some Tai Chi. It's quite nice really but I'm considering classes as the DVD is kinda hard to work from. Ends up Southampton has a School of Tai Chi not too far from where I live so I'm going to enquire about class prices since the beginner ones start up in the next few weeks.

One nice big shiny good thing of the week is we got to see our Guinea Pigs :D We went to the RSPCA rescue centre near us (by near I mean 30/40 minute drive but it's worth it) and we found a set of three. The hutch, run and supplies all arrived today, we just need to pass the home visit and we're sorted :) I really recommend the RSPCA places, they're not too harsh on your application and they have lost of animals. We had a peak at the dogs just for fun, there were so many beautiful breeds and they were all really well kept. Makes you a bit sad that they're there really. If you're considering a pet in the future then please look into the RSPCA or other such rescue centres! They give you lots of information too. The one we used is The Stubbington Ark they're also on twitter! Finally getting the piggies sorted out has been a real pick-me-up. I think that having pets will help my mood quite a bit!