Reflection on 2011

This year has been the most influential year of my life. I think I’ve done more of importance than I ever have in a single year. At the start I wasn’t happy, I didn’t know what I wanted but it wasn’t what I had at the time. I was stuck in a job that harvested my soul regardless of how great the other staff were and stuck at uni for only two hours a week but enough to keep me in place. I wasn’t going anywhere and for the first time in my life I didn’t like it.

I had a plan when I was 17, get a science job, get married, house, 2 kids and a dog. Over the subsequent years this has been hacked at, revised and abandoned. I didn’t want the kids anymore, not quite sure on the married either and science and I had a falling out. Dogs are still cool though.

The point being, this is the year I have taken the most risks. Risks for my own benefit instead of just being happy wherever I was and waiting for things to happen. I quit my job, moved cities, left some friends, broke some hearts not all of which I’m proud of but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your own happiness. Unfortunately, you can’t always do what you need without hurting others. I also made a start on my tattoo collection.

I was getting there, things were picking up and I took my last university exam, then something pretty massive happened. Very suddenly, my Mother died.

I could never say to another ‘I understand’ about this. You can’t. There is no way you can ever understand how someone else feels when they’ve lost their mother, even if you’ve felt the loss of your own because everyone is different and everyone’s mum is different. I felt bad about it but I was so sick of ‘I’m Sorry’, I was angry at the false ‘If you need anything, call me’ when half the time I never knew who the person saying it was. But in the end anger is part of loss. It was hard, the most difficult thing I have ever done was hold my Mum’s hand whilst she died but I did it.

I guess I could have gone into a deep depression and lived in a hole until I felt better again but I never would have come out of it. I am my Mother’s Daughter and we don’t take any shit. I went to therapy and started doing things that I really wanted to do with my life. I started my own business, it was a little rocky when I wasn’t sure what to do with it but I’m getting there now and it’s going to be great. I started living for myself, it can be a little fiddly when I drop into old habits but it’s good.

It sounds terrible to say that the year I lost my Mum is the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s not because she died, it’s because she made me really live my life instead of existing through it. I know now that things will always get better because I’ve lived through something that I thought would end my entire world. I could never imagine what life would be like after losing her but here it is. The world didn’t just stop because I thought it would and now I want to use these days to do what I love and enjoy.

The plan is scrapped, I’ll do whatever feels right. I love my job, my house, my boys, our piggies and I’ve got great friends. I wish all of you the best for 2012, enjoy yourself, do whatever the fuck you want regardless of what others will think or say and stay safe and happy.

xxx

Discharged from Therapy

Today I was discharged from therapy. I was actually a little said saying goodbye to my therapist for the last time as she really has helped. It's surprising the amount of difference a pleasant voice on the other end of the phone can make. I've been referred to some bereavement sessions through my GP which has been accepted but no more CBT.

Stacey is sending me a chart which marks my scores at the end of each session so I can see my improvement rate as well as some information to avoid relapses. The issue I have currently is that when I have a down day I think I'm going right back to the beginning again and I feel like I'm failing. The hard thing to remember is Everyone has down days. It doesn't mean you're failing, you're feeling and you deal with it. Anyone who says they're happy all the time is lying, they just deal with the downs.

Therapy and self-help were a good way to go. I have to admit, I can't help but judge people who admit they have problems and then don't do anything to help themselves. It's a fault in me, I don't know what they keep to themselves but it's how I feel. Getting help is the hardest part so once you do that then that obviously means the rest of healing isn't so bad.

I feel less of a need to update this currently, although I had a bit of a down time recently I feel more in control. I'm going to start considering reducing my meds gradually in the hopes to come off them completely.

Until then, pretty pictures!!

 Hiccup vs Depression is from Sarahtops42 on Deviantart

 And if you're feeling like Apple Bloom, remember:

I'll never win. But that's ok.

Well I've been pretty quiet haven't I? I would take that as a good thing really, and it has been good. I've been being awake better, my business is improving and I'm doing more. Tai chi has so far been fun, I've done two lessons and although it's deadly on your thighs I've been enjoying it. I'm the youngest in the class by far but oh well, networking and socialising anew I guess!

Things pop up every now and again that I've started to be able to spot. When we first got the Pigs, a week or so later we had to go away for two days and whilst writing the care note for the person popping in on then I started to feel a panic attack building. I told my partners and got them to talk me down until I was calm again.

I recently realised that my anxiety will never go away. Up until that point I thought I was 'winning' and that it was going to disappear and never come back again. It was pretty hard hitting to realise that I have a mental illness, it will never go away but I can never stop fighting it. I'll learn to live with it and not let it take over my life. I'd started to get tired, of therapy and medication, just wishing I could get happy and stay happy but things don't work that way. It's a slow process and I'm an impatient person.

Other things have come to light in my helping myself. Potentially Co-dependancy I believe it's called, this arose because a partner was mad at something and because he didn't want to talk about it I assummed it was something I'd done. I ended up breaking down to my other partner, saying how I'd been 'made' to feel like things were my fault. Though nobody was making me feel anything but myself, I feel responsible for others emotions and make them responsible for mine. I'm not entirely sure how to overcome it, so much for me thinking I was nearly done with therapy. Building my selfesteem would most likely help, try to be responsible for my own emotions and happiness and tell myself it's not my fault if people are angry or upset over anything. I don't have to fix things and make stuff go away all the time.

So my journey continues... I've tried to think of a clever gaming reference to end this on but all I can come up with is +1 small knife. Too much Good Morning Internet obviously.

Day to Day: A Positive Note!

Thank you for comments on this blog so far, things have been on the up a bit recently. Which is nice! I've signed up to Tai Chi classes which start in the next two weeks and we got some Guinea Pigs! I could talk about the pigs all day so I made a new blog for them over HERE. Take a look if you like little balls of fluff with some attitude. 

I've started a routine for myself, which has been eased by having the piggies. Going to sleep and getting up at the same time has been surprisingly helpful. I've been keeping busy, either working, sorting stuff like clothes out and handling and feeding the Guinea Pigs. It's resulted in me feeling quite positive and not giving in to the 'it's going to be a bad day' feeling. Therapy also sent me some relaxation techniques, one of them is focusing on your breathing so that you block out anything you were thinking that was bugging you. It also helps me sleep.

We also just finished Portal 2 (We all watch whilst one plays) and the ending was satisfying :)

This was yoinked from a DA account here

Day to Day: Mum's Birthday

Things have improved since my last post and it's been busy. We had one of the boy's kid sister come to stay with us for nearly a week, it was nice to meet family and such and she's a good kid. It's solidified the fact that we should never procreate though.

During the past week, however, was Mum's birthday. It was a bit rough, I had a good cry in the morning was fairly low mood for most of the day. I spent most of it gaming on the couch but I cooked some comfort food that I ate a lot when I lived at home in the evening. That cheered me up a bit. And of course the capitalism of one of the guys bringing me a present home alongside Tangled and Hercules DVDs. We Disney'd so hard this week. I had a brief moment of guilt over me getting presents on what was my Mum's birthday but I realised I was being silly and it passed. It was nice to have the understanding that it was going to be a weird day for me and the allowance do just do what I needed to to stop myself getting lower.

I got some relaxation stuff from therapy and it recommends Yoga or Tai Chi. So I went to HMV and got a DVD and starting doing some Tai Chi. It's quite nice really but I'm considering classes as the DVD is kinda hard to work from. Ends up Southampton has a School of Tai Chi not too far from where I live so I'm going to enquire about class prices since the beginner ones start up in the next few weeks.

One nice big shiny good thing of the week is we got to see our Guinea Pigs :D We went to the RSPCA rescue centre near us (by near I mean 30/40 minute drive but it's worth it) and we found a set of three. The hutch, run and supplies all arrived today, we just need to pass the home visit and we're sorted :) I really recommend the RSPCA places, they're not too harsh on your application and they have lost of animals. We had a peak at the dogs just for fun, there were so many beautiful breeds and they were all really well kept. Makes you a bit sad that they're there really. If you're considering a pet in the future then please look into the RSPCA or other such rescue centres! They give you lots of information too. The one we used is The Stubbington Ark they're also on twitter! Finally getting the piggies sorted out has been a real pick-me-up. I think that having pets will help my mood quite a bit!

Day to Day: Weekend Update of Performance and Realisations

Honestly, I've started to feel like I'm going backwards. Started to get more irritable and that bastard voice (which I'm considering naming Gollum, because he's a twat) who lives in the back of my head is appearing more frequently. I went to the doctors and asked to change meds to stop meals being a 'thing' but I've resulted in still taking the same thing but taking my lunch time pill alongside my evening one. I guess that makes it one meal less but still, doesn't seem like much of a result.

I did my burlesque performance on Sunday and I think it went well and I'm so glad not to have the damn song in my head before I sleep every night. I'm not looking at feedback forums or anything because last time I did, looking for critique or positive feedback, I got crazy backlash for seemingly no reason. So I'm doing myself a favour and staying away from it this time. Though this does put a damper on my 'Validate me!!' instinct. I don't think I'm good at anything unless someone tells me so. Hence the problem of the past week or so.

I think what tipped me over was a potential new work contract which would be fantastic if it works out. I keep telling myself 'Don't fuck this up' and worry what will happen if I do. I got some decent communication and I was really pleased, though it sparked a bit of a moment. Usually I would call Mum when these things happen and obviously I can't. It's these moments that are the killers really. Like you almost forget and then you switch to standard routine. It's only when the phone is in your hand that you remember that if you text or call that number nobody will reply. Those moments are really hard.

So I've felt more down and useless and irritable, it was only when talking to a partner about something that I realised I really felt like crying and I didn't know why. Allowing myself to cry has been a big obstacle for me. I'm learning about these 'unhelpful' words that I keep using on myself like I 'need' to stay strong and I 'should' be ok by now. But I'm never going to be the same. Losing someone like your Mother changes you, I just want to make sure that I change for the better. I was about to type 'need' instead of 'want' there. See, I'm learning, albeit at a snail's pace.

Anyway, I cried. I didn't like it but I obviously needed to do it. I'm not sure when the last one was actually but it seems to be something that I need to do every now and again. I'm disliking that I actually get physical symptoms of my emotional backlog. I suppose I should listen to my body more. But I feel a bit better. With all the therapy over anxiety and low mood I forgot about that nice elephant in the room. Grief. I'm still going to be grieving for I don't know how long. It's something I'll just have to deal with, as well as learn to type without spell check. Bastard word. It seems my bereavement is behind a lot of my issues right now so long as I recognise that then I think I'll be able to work through it. I'll let myself have those crying moments.

In other news, I've found something that makes me hilariously happy. PONIES. I started watching the new My little pony series and I'm pretty shocked that it's that good. Not half cheers you up.

LOL I'm a pony!! :D

Day to Day: Ups and Downs and Medication Weirdness

The past few days have been very up and down for me. I started work on some of my therapy things and they're great although sometimes I have no clue. There are exercises involving picking and problem and then breaking into chunks and working on each chunk separately. Issue is I have no idea what problems or if I can think of a problem, how to fix it. I guess I should talk about this in my phone session tomorrow, maybe Stacey can help me single some stuff out.

I've been dipping in and out of feeling shitty and feeling myself. Sleep is still being a massive dick to me. I really have trouble getting to sleep and if I do sleep through then I can't get up in the morning. No matter how much I've actually slept it feels like I've barely slept at all. This has made me feel pretty ill though the therapy books suggest not napping or anything so you can sleep at night. I really want a nap.

I'm not sure if this is partly due to medication, a side effect is tiredness so it could be adding to it. Though I'm thinking of changing them. Having to take them with meals is awkward for me as food is already such a 'thing' that it adds an additional 'I need to take tablets' 'I need to eat' 'Have I taken them all today' so I'd really prefer something I only need to take once a day instead of three times. I've got the Doctor again on Monday so I'll ask him if there's anything else then. I'm not sure if the placebo effect has worn off the Propranolol or whether I'm just having a particular high stress time.

Anyways, I've got a convention this weekend and seem to have got the grasp of my time management. Hopefully all will go well!