Day to Day: Weekend Update of Performance and Realisations

Honestly, I've started to feel like I'm going backwards. Started to get more irritable and that bastard voice (which I'm considering naming Gollum, because he's a twat) who lives in the back of my head is appearing more frequently. I went to the doctors and asked to change meds to stop meals being a 'thing' but I've resulted in still taking the same thing but taking my lunch time pill alongside my evening one. I guess that makes it one meal less but still, doesn't seem like much of a result.

I did my burlesque performance on Sunday and I think it went well and I'm so glad not to have the damn song in my head before I sleep every night. I'm not looking at feedback forums or anything because last time I did, looking for critique or positive feedback, I got crazy backlash for seemingly no reason. So I'm doing myself a favour and staying away from it this time. Though this does put a damper on my 'Validate me!!' instinct. I don't think I'm good at anything unless someone tells me so. Hence the problem of the past week or so.

I think what tipped me over was a potential new work contract which would be fantastic if it works out. I keep telling myself 'Don't fuck this up' and worry what will happen if I do. I got some decent communication and I was really pleased, though it sparked a bit of a moment. Usually I would call Mum when these things happen and obviously I can't. It's these moments that are the killers really. Like you almost forget and then you switch to standard routine. It's only when the phone is in your hand that you remember that if you text or call that number nobody will reply. Those moments are really hard.

So I've felt more down and useless and irritable, it was only when talking to a partner about something that I realised I really felt like crying and I didn't know why. Allowing myself to cry has been a big obstacle for me. I'm learning about these 'unhelpful' words that I keep using on myself like I 'need' to stay strong and I 'should' be ok by now. But I'm never going to be the same. Losing someone like your Mother changes you, I just want to make sure that I change for the better. I was about to type 'need' instead of 'want' there. See, I'm learning, albeit at a snail's pace.

Anyway, I cried. I didn't like it but I obviously needed to do it. I'm not sure when the last one was actually but it seems to be something that I need to do every now and again. I'm disliking that I actually get physical symptoms of my emotional backlog. I suppose I should listen to my body more. But I feel a bit better. With all the therapy over anxiety and low mood I forgot about that nice elephant in the room. Grief. I'm still going to be grieving for I don't know how long. It's something I'll just have to deal with, as well as learn to type without spell check. Bastard word. It seems my bereavement is behind a lot of my issues right now so long as I recognise that then I think I'll be able to work through it. I'll let myself have those crying moments.

In other news, I've found something that makes me hilariously happy. PONIES. I started watching the new My little pony series and I'm pretty shocked that it's that good. Not half cheers you up.

LOL I'm a pony!! :D

Day to Day: Ups and Downs and Medication Weirdness

The past few days have been very up and down for me. I started work on some of my therapy things and they're great although sometimes I have no clue. There are exercises involving picking and problem and then breaking into chunks and working on each chunk separately. Issue is I have no idea what problems or if I can think of a problem, how to fix it. I guess I should talk about this in my phone session tomorrow, maybe Stacey can help me single some stuff out.

I've been dipping in and out of feeling shitty and feeling myself. Sleep is still being a massive dick to me. I really have trouble getting to sleep and if I do sleep through then I can't get up in the morning. No matter how much I've actually slept it feels like I've barely slept at all. This has made me feel pretty ill though the therapy books suggest not napping or anything so you can sleep at night. I really want a nap.

I'm not sure if this is partly due to medication, a side effect is tiredness so it could be adding to it. Though I'm thinking of changing them. Having to take them with meals is awkward for me as food is already such a 'thing' that it adds an additional 'I need to take tablets' 'I need to eat' 'Have I taken them all today' so I'd really prefer something I only need to take once a day instead of three times. I've got the Doctor again on Monday so I'll ask him if there's anything else then. I'm not sure if the placebo effect has worn off the Propranolol or whether I'm just having a particular high stress time.

Anyways, I've got a convention this weekend and seem to have got the grasp of my time management. Hopefully all will go well!

Insomnia Diary 01

I should probably warn you that insomnia rambles are not as thought out and conclusive as others. Hope you manage to wade through.

Today has been a weird day. I woke up and didn't want to do anything at all, we were meant to go into town but it was vito-ed and we went to the nearby village/town thingy to get some stuff from the post office. Oddly, today ended up being quite social. We met up with a friend, went around some charity shops, found me some nice shoesies and went to look at the piggies in the pet shop. We want to get Guinea pigs but we're waiting on the rescue centre to contact us. Anyways, then we met up with another friend for coffee, in town so we ended up going anyways but oh well. That moved to a pub and then we can home (pretty early) and another friend was here and crashing the night. I'm glad that I ended up being social but as soon as I tried to go to bed seems everything got to me.

I woke up to a text from an aunt this morning, telling me some mundane achievement of a cousin and I couldn't help but think that people back home don't really care about me. Not friends I text/msn quite a lot, that's different. This is family, I messaged this aunt when I became self employed, linked her my online store and I heard nothing back. I put up my graduation photos thinking she'd see them on facebook and show my nan etc, and again nothing. I don't get the odd 'How are things?' text or call every couple of weeks or whatever so I can't help but think that all this 'keep in touch' stuff (from everyone, not just this one aunt) was crap or at least very one sided. I know that you can turn to me and say 'Well why aren't you trying to keep in touch on your end?' but you know when you send a message and there is just no conversation? That kinda happens, I want to update people but when I do the 'hey how are you?' etc I really get the vibe that they couldn't give a fuck about what I say.

People never spoke to me personally before Mum died, she would tell me what was going on with the family and she would tell them what she felt appropriate about me. This system worked. Mum and I would talk about what the hell was going on as we tended to think the same way about things and she's been deemed a bad mother before as I was raised to be independent and started working when I was 16. There's always been this feel of 'better than' in my family, I really don't know where this generation competition has come from but I feel the need to be the more successful child, or more accurately, I feel as though cousins are trying to be better than me or at least my aunt is trying to show them that way. But they're fucking not, I've worked damn hard to get what I've got and true, I've been very lucky sometimes but the effort is still there.

I don't really know where I'm going with that anymore. But without Mum as a medium I feel pretty disconnected from the North. Sure they never spoke to me but I still knew what was going on. Then everyone ever decided to speak to me and decide it was their business to know how I'm doing when Mum died and now that normal life is trying to resume I'm out of sight out of mind again. I don't know how I feel about that, whether people thought they were obligated to suddenly be interested in my well being or whether they were just feeling better about themselves by doing so. It's frustrating when someone dies because all these people you've never known come out the woodwork to tell you how 'Sorry' they are about your Mother. I know it's great that my Mum affected so many people, however, it's greatly disconcerting when people come up to you like they know you and tell you 'if there's anything you need, you call me' I don't even know your name, how am I meant to do that?

I guess this all boils down to the fact that there's another hole in my life that my Mum filled. We always called each other, we didn't get to see each other much living in the North and South so we always talked. I really fucking miss that. Nobody talks to me from home. It's like the entire North has died and gone off the map. I don't feel like I have a family anymore except for the one I've made myself and I'm so grateful for that little family of mine. Mum and I were the weird ones, we didn't quite fit in with the rest of them back up North, we never really connected and they know nothing about me, not really. Mum was my only true family and dealing with that is pretty hard. I know I'm going to keep finding these odd holes every now and again and it's going to hurt but I guess I have to deal with it. I know I'm not really alone so I'm going to attempt to sleep again and get in bed between my two loves in this little home we've made our own and feel like I'm in a family again.

This is all so hard because my Mum was fucking awesome by the way. Just so you know.

Therapy: Self Help Info

This morning I received a lot of info in the post from my Therapy lady. Her name is Stacey and she's a trainee wellbeing practitioner. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to instantly think she's adorable just because she's a trainee. She's probably older than me anyways.

Back to this info, there are a number of booklets I've yet to bring myself to go through but there was also a little card with a website and log in details. Ends up it's this online system with a load of ebooks and things on it, Stacey suggest I look into 'The Worry Box' this has a step system to help with anxiety. It has things such as planning out when you're going to deal with things and not thinking about them until the allocated time and date you've given them which is interesting. My favourite line so far is about being calm before bed to aid sleep "Do not read or watch tv in bed. Bed is for sleep and sex, that's all" I like books that remember that sex is great. And a good pick me up!

I'm going to try and pace myself through it and not feel as if I HAVE to do all of it instantly.

Quick day to day update. I am feeling slightly calmer over things still. I usually react fairly badly to plans being suddenly changed. Our plans changed radically for an upcoming convention and now I'm performing burlesque again. Usually that would have sent my brain into ARGH! ARGH! NO! TOO SOON! and I'm still slightly like that, kinda worried it may be shit but I do enjoy doing it and rarely get the opportunity. The last time I performed some of the audience didn't quite get it and I got some crappy comments like 'What a tacky, attention seeking whore' etc that's not why I do these things. I enjoy burlesque, it's taken me a long time to like my body so why shouldn't I enjoy it? I'm going to try and not let the possibility of more shit for it hold me back and just have a good time.

Therapy: First Phone Session

This morning I had my phone assessment for therapy. The woman was nice and easy to talk to. I did feel slightly stupid saying some of the things but I have to get over that. I have yet to let slip that bees are possibly one of the most evil things on Earth but I did voice my immense suspicion of chicken. Actually anything that has any possibility to make me throw up. 

We went through a score sheet that I was sent and they use that to see how therapy is progressing. I fill it in again over the course of treatment and if my scores are getting better then it's working and if not, they need to change what they're doing. It's kind of like self assessing. I have another appointment next week, it will continue to be phone appointments as I don't really want to do group therapy. It's taken a lot for me to talk to people about this kind of stuff and I don't feel like doing it in front of a crowd. Also I'll probably compare by problems to other peoples' and decide they're not that bad and don't need a fuss making over.

Anyways, following my low motivation I found this video. It's nice and old school anime and it does make me laugh :)

Day to Day: Weekend Update

I spent the weekend in Ireland and it was pretty damn nice. Since starting the medication I have felt a lot calmer, usually when packing for a convention I'd be listing things that I need to do and getting stressed out. However, this time everything was a lot more laid back, I could think about things and just do them instead of over thinking and getting all pent up. It's been a nice change.

I've noticed that I'm able to confront more and I feel pretty good about myself. One particular moment was when a con goer was not paying attention to personal space in front of my stall, continuing to try and get a hat when 'Don't touch me' was specifically said. So I told him off.

One issue I do have though is without the current help of therapy I'm trying to pick out whether my feelings are valid or not. Whether I'm 'allowed' to be angry or upset over different things or whether I just put it down to anxiety. I talked about it last night with a partner and he says I need to be nicer to myself, I'm not sure how to do that though. I'm hoping that's something I'll learn when CBT starts and I have my first assessment phone call on Wednesday.

Attempting to stick with the positive this weekend, minus the fact I'm so tired. It was great to talk to a friend about mental health, it's great when someone understands it a lot more than normal. In no way does that mean that those who have been supporting me don't understand and they've been fantastic but it's refreshing when someone tells you some of their 'moments' as well. You can't help but think 'Thank fuck it's not just me'

Useful Things: Things to do when you are sad

I have a list like this somewhere. I think I called it '10 things to do to make you happy'. I found this on tumblr but the originator site is this lovely person's flickr. http://www.flickr.com/photos/geometricity/

Day to Day: Low Motivation

Today I have so far had little to no motivation. I vegged in front of the laptop for a while, then the xbox. I tried to pull myself out of it a bit by getting dressed and that sort of thing. Working from home I don't have the 'awake-food-dressed-leave' routine so sometimes getting dressed can be a motivation to get to work. It's easier to start a new activity after that.

But not a lot of the old tricks have worked today, it could be because I didn't sleep well last night or just because it's 'one of those days' I'm just having a day where I don't feel like doing anything, even picking an activity can be a chore. Kind of a day where you're just there, existing.

I do need to finish off my stock and pack for my trip to Ireland tomorrow so I suppose I'd better shift my butt at some point.

Medication: First Dose

Last night I took my first Propranolol. I think it's going to take a few days to see if I get any side effects. I didn't sleep well last night but I don't think that was anything to do with it. I had a bit of an argh moment before taking the first one but I wasn't too bad. Anyways. Here we go.

Tattoo: The Second

Today I got my second tattoo. I was a bit anxious this morning thinking 'Had I eaten enough? Was what I had for breakfast enough?' I'd also dreamt that it had gone wrong so wasn't very rested this morning. My food worries were unfounded, I was probably fixating on it because I know you need to eat before getting inked for your stomach to grip to something.

Anyways, the artist was nice, the work was quick and I got what I wanted.

This is what I got. My Mum made cards. I still have every one that she's made for me and was surprised when my step dad sent me one made by her for my graduation. Ends up she'd had it ready before she died. Impressive considering she still thought she was going. This is what she wrote on the back of every single one, she stamped Handmade By and then wrote her name. So now I have her handwriting on me, staking her claim in my making.

I find body mods quite empowering. I felt the urge for a new piercing when my anxiety was peaking a few weeks ago, got that and now this tattoo. Maybe it's something to do with controlled pain and making your body do what you want, who knows.

I've been mostly free of 'anxious moments' today. Except for one commenter on my tattoo who said it looked like the Disney font. I think he was just being funny but to me it felt insulting. Like I'd been tricked into thinking that was my Mum's writing when in fact it was a cheap font. I got less angry than I would have been, I think. I'm slowly trying to realise that it's not always other people's fault the way I react.

Anyway, I'm going to finish my tea and go pick up my Pranolol prescription. Now the medication part begins!

Medication: The Choice

Funny really, I've got a lot to write in this blog but my brain went 'Oh you can't update loads on one day, you need to space it out' but I want to write more now, Brain. Where's the rule that I can't update a million times in one day and then nothing for a few days after? It's my damn blog and I'll update when I want so get back to those important functions like breathing and not making me stressed, thanks.

So, meds. It's something I've completely changed my mind over in a few days. Originally I never wanted to touch them. I felt like it was cheating, like I was saying I couldn't handle what I was going through so I'd get chemicals to do it for me instead. I realise now I had the wrong view on it. When I went to the GP he explained it to me in a certain way.

He said that in my subconcious my problems are blown out of proportion and there is a block stopping my subconcious from communicating to my concious to deal with it. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) helps you learn to communicate between the two better, however, medication can be used to open up this communication to ease the path a little.

I think of it like two people on msn but the signal keeps cutting out because they're on shitty dial up. They keep getting annoyed with each other because they keep missing bits of each other's messages and getting the wrong idea. CBT will lead me to fibre optic broadband, but meds should be able to get me to at least 20meg to start things off so these two people can at least talk to each other to start solving their problems.

Poor metaphors aside, this way of thinking about it made me accept the idea of medication. I realised chemicals don't take over and do it all for me, but give me a bit of a boost to make it less difficult.

The GP called me back, panic over, and I've got a prescription for Propranolol, a betablocker which should reduce the pent up and anxious feelings. I'm on a low dose and if that's enough then great, if not then the dose will be increased. I'm slightly concerned about side effects but I'll update over them as they occur. Apparently a lot of anxiety and depression medication causes a reduction in libido, which I hope doesn't happen as I'm rather fond of sex. But then again, if I'm happier maybe I'll want it more. I guess I'll find out.

Now seems a good time to start

I'm currently waiting for my doctor to call me back, the first time he called my phone went straight to voicemail, because it felt like it apparently. The second time we got cut off, so he left me a voicemail saying he'd call back in half an hour. This has freaked me out, why? I'm not entirely sure, I'll still get my prescription in a few days and I've lived over twenty years on no medication so what's a couple more days? Since being aware of anxiety I've started to question my instant rage/upset reactions over things. Why does this make me angry or sad? Is it really that big of a deal? If I can't come up with an answer I know that it's not really the person or situation, it's me.

I'll start at the beginning of this realisation saga. In June, my mother died. She died from cancer but it was still very quick and unexpected. She's fought for years and was completely fine until the week before her death. Having the strongest and most reliable person in my life disappear from me has been traumatic to say the least. But I beat myself up when I cry. Why? Because I'm a strong person, like my mother, we deal with what we've been dealt and we move on and tell bad shit to go fuck itself. She's never told me I have to be strong but I've decided I do. Allowing myself to cry has been difficult, I hate it when I get upset and I want the painful memories and dreams about her death to stop haunting me. I want to remember the good things without feeling the stab of 'I'd give anything to talk to her again', an over used bullshit line I never saw any worth in until now.

Now after everything had calmed down and normal life tried to carry on I was getting pretty ill. A lot of stomach issues that I was familar with from college. Painful cramping, sharp constant pains in my upper abdomen, not able to eat much, frequent trips to the toilet and general shit feeling. I decided I must be intolerant to something, my Mum was lactose intolerant and she developed it randomly in her life so maybe I had too. I went to the doctor, the same one who's calling me, and he listened to my blathering. He told me that he thought it was anxiety but he would still follow my route of intolerance, instructing me to keep a food diary and write down everything I eat as well as when I had symptoms in the hopes a pattern would form and I'd find what I was intolerant too.

I find it slightly annoying when I'm not right. There was no pattern with food, however there was one with dates, I had symptoms on days I had to travel for business, when I needed to pick up a partner from the hospital after an operation and other days that can be seen as stressful. I was always tired as well, not matter how much I slept and I felt constantly on the edge of illness that never actually became a cold.

Near the end of my month of food diary I also developed insomnia, trying to explain insomnia to someone who's never experienced it can be difficult. Though luckily I found this cute comic that I think shows it pretty well. It's from www.Timothywinchester.com btw, it's cute and funny.

I started to keep insomnia diaries of the thoughts that were keeping me awake, hence the idea to start this blog. When I went back to the GP, I admitted defeat, there were no patterns in food and slowly I'd become more and more aware of how constantly stressed and worried about everything I was. 

Admitting that I needed help was one of the hardest things to do. I handle things myself, I'm not weak. But admitting you need help is one of the strongest things you can do, sitting there and letting everything take over you when there are great options to stop it is a huge weakness. Taking that first step on the journey to working things out is petrifying and now I have a lot of respect for people that do it.

I've been referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and been given options of different medication. I'll talk about meds in another post as this one has become too long. This is what brought me to today, there has been a lot of realisation over my life, now I'm aware of what my 'anxious' moments are I can spot them all through my childhood and teen years. I feel slightly silly that I've never noticed it until now. Blaming others is a big problem, I'm angry and irritated all the time because people are stupid and are doing stupid things and I'm irrationally worried over this because of XYZ. Once I stopped making these excuses to myself I realised my train of thought wasn't where it should be.

I nearly cried on the bus because a partner sent a slightly sarcastic text to me. I shouldn't be reacting like that. I admit it. I need help.

The Boring Introduction

Hello,

Welcome to my blog! The name is a little lame I know, but I wanted to describe what would be going on here. This is a place to help myself, if it helps other people as well then that's fantastic. Here I'll be posting everything I'm going through whilst coming to terms and treating my mental issues. I wont always be shown in a great light but I can't hide anything from this blog otherwise it ruins the point of it. I'll try and tackle the inital posts in segments so you don't have to read massive walls of text but they may not be structured well as I'll just type what I'm thinking.

Thanks for dropping by and I hope you stay with me on this journey. It may be bumpy but I'll get there. Wherever there is!

Love,

Kii