I should probably warn you that insomnia rambles are not as thought out and conclusive as others. Hope you manage to wade through.
Today has been a weird day. I woke up and didn't want to do anything at all, we were meant to go into town but it was vito-ed and we went to the nearby village/town thingy to get some stuff from the post office. Oddly, today ended up being quite social. We met up with a friend, went around some charity shops, found me some nice shoesies and went to look at the piggies in the pet shop. We want to get Guinea pigs but we're waiting on the rescue centre to contact us. Anyways, then we met up with another friend for coffee, in town so we ended up going anyways but oh well. That moved to a pub and then we can home (pretty early) and another friend was here and crashing the night. I'm glad that I ended up being social but as soon as I tried to go to bed seems everything got to me.
I woke up to a text from an aunt this morning, telling me some mundane achievement of a cousin and I couldn't help but think that people back home don't really care about me. Not friends I text/msn quite a lot, that's different. This is family, I messaged this aunt when I became self employed, linked her my online store and I heard nothing back. I put up my graduation photos thinking she'd see them on facebook and show my nan etc, and again nothing. I don't get the odd 'How are things?' text or call every couple of weeks or whatever so I can't help but think that all this 'keep in touch' stuff (from everyone, not just this one aunt) was crap or at least very one sided. I know that you can turn to me and say 'Well why aren't you trying to keep in touch on your end?' but you know when you send a message and there is just no conversation? That kinda happens, I want to update people but when I do the 'hey how are you?' etc I really get the vibe that they couldn't give a fuck about what I say.
People never spoke to me personally before Mum died, she would tell me what was going on with the family and she would tell them what she felt appropriate about me. This system worked. Mum and I would talk about what the hell was going on as we tended to think the same way about things and she's been deemed a bad mother before as I was raised to be independent and started working when I was 16. There's always been this feel of 'better than' in my family, I really don't know where this generation competition has come from but I feel the need to be the more successful child, or more accurately, I feel as though cousins are trying to be better than me or at least my aunt is trying to show them that way. But they're fucking not, I've worked damn hard to get what I've got and true, I've been very lucky sometimes but the effort is still there.
I don't really know where I'm going with that anymore. But without Mum as a medium I feel pretty disconnected from the North. Sure they never spoke to me but I still knew what was going on. Then everyone ever decided to speak to me and decide it was their business to know how I'm doing when Mum died and now that normal life is trying to resume I'm out of sight out of mind again. I don't know how I feel about that, whether people thought they were obligated to suddenly be interested in my well being or whether they were just feeling better about themselves by doing so. It's frustrating when someone dies because all these people you've never known come out the woodwork to tell you how 'Sorry' they are about your Mother. I know it's great that my Mum affected so many people, however, it's greatly disconcerting when people come up to you like they know you and tell you 'if there's anything you need, you call me' I don't even know your name, how am I meant to do that?
I guess this all boils down to the fact that there's another hole in my life that my Mum filled. We always called each other, we didn't get to see each other much living in the North and South so we always talked. I really fucking miss that. Nobody talks to me from home. It's like the entire North has died and gone off the map. I don't feel like I have a family anymore except for the one I've made myself and I'm so grateful for that little family of mine. Mum and I were the weird ones, we didn't quite fit in with the rest of them back up North, we never really connected and they know nothing about me, not really. Mum was my only true family and dealing with that is pretty hard. I know I'm going to keep finding these odd holes every now and again and it's going to hurt but I guess I have to deal with it. I know I'm not really alone so I'm going to attempt to sleep again and get in bed between my two loves in this little home we've made our own and feel like I'm in a family again.
This is all so hard because my Mum was fucking awesome by the way. Just so you know.
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