Honestly, I've started to feel like I'm going backwards. Started to get more irritable and that bastard voice (which I'm considering naming Gollum, because he's a twat) who lives in the back of my head is appearing more frequently. I went to the doctors and asked to change meds to stop meals being a 'thing' but I've resulted in still taking the same thing but taking my lunch time pill alongside my evening one. I guess that makes it one meal less but still, doesn't seem like much of a result.
I did my burlesque performance on Sunday and I think it went well and I'm so glad not to have the damn song in my head before I sleep every night. I'm not looking at feedback forums or anything because last time I did, looking for critique or positive feedback, I got crazy backlash for seemingly no reason. So I'm doing myself a favour and staying away from it this time. Though this does put a damper on my 'Validate me!!' instinct. I don't think I'm good at anything unless someone tells me so. Hence the problem of the past week or so.
I think what tipped me over was a potential new work contract which would be fantastic if it works out. I keep telling myself 'Don't fuck this up' and worry what will happen if I do. I got some decent communication and I was really pleased, though it sparked a bit of a moment. Usually I would call Mum when these things happen and obviously I can't. It's these moments that are the killers really. Like you almost forget and then you switch to standard routine. It's only when the phone is in your hand that you remember that if you text or call that number nobody will reply. Those moments are really hard.
So I've felt more down and useless and irritable, it was only when talking to a partner about something that I realised I really felt like crying and I didn't know why. Allowing myself to cry has been a big obstacle for me. I'm learning about these 'unhelpful' words that I keep using on myself like I 'need' to stay strong and I 'should' be ok by now. But I'm never going to be the same. Losing someone like your Mother changes you, I just want to make sure that I change for the better. I was about to type 'need' instead of 'want' there. See, I'm learning, albeit at a snail's pace.
Anyway, I cried. I didn't like it but I obviously needed to do it. I'm not sure when the last one was actually but it seems to be something that I need to do every now and again. I'm disliking that I actually get physical symptoms of my emotional backlog. I suppose I should listen to my body more. But I feel a bit better. With all the therapy over anxiety and low mood I forgot about that nice elephant in the room. Grief. I'm still going to be grieving for I don't know how long. It's something I'll just have to deal with, as well as learn to type without spell check. Bastard word. It seems my bereavement is behind a lot of my issues right now so long as I recognise that then I think I'll be able to work through it. I'll let myself have those crying moments.
In other news, I've found something that makes me hilariously happy. PONIES. I started watching the new My little pony series and I'm pretty shocked that it's that good. Not half cheers you up.
LOL I'm a pony!! :D
I know the link below is going to seem odd and hippyish. I used t work in a natural,herbal sort of shop (think body shop but organic with extra medicinal products too) and we sold this stuff called australian bush flower essence. Its the vibrations of the flower essence in water an i know it sounds like complete who ha, but Ive tried it and I swear to you it worked. When me and Mike split up and we had been together for over 3 years and to me he was the one it completely fucked me over and I got really low (stupid sort of low) anyway i tried this stuff because well i had nothing to loose by trying it and after a day (you put 4 or 8 drops in a glass of water twice daily until you feel more stable) and after 24 hours i felt sooo so much better, even people at work commented on how i seem so much more positive and alert and aware of everything ware as until id tried it it was like i had bad jet leg,i couldnt consentrate on anything, no focus, constant crying and loss of stability in general. This simply refocused me. I dont know i understand, it sounds like a load of hoha but sometimes when you have nothing to loose, things surprise you and im pretty sure this saved me.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.revital.co.uk/Australian_Bush_Flower_Waratah
otherwise i really hope things start to turn around for you hun. Your a good person and a really cool person! I doubt you'll feel normal for a long long time and no ones expecting you to. If you ever feel like you need a good solid cry but cant make yourself do it naturally then watch Hatchi,a dogs tale. That movie makes Bambi seem pathetic in comparrison its heart renching! Titanic, notebook, any sad soppy love movie, attonment nothing nothing AT ALL (although a walk to remember is a tear jerker!) so what that movie and trust me you wont be able to stop yourself, infact id say don't watch it alone because you might need a hug. I think, you need to know its ok to cry, there's nothing wrong or even remotely bad about it, once you cry and let it all out, you can feel more together and ready. It clears the system. So maybe see it as a positive thing. Just don't beat yourself up, your doing just fine kiddo :)
ReplyDeleteHey kid, great burlesque dancing at Ayacon, as good as any I've seen at the orange room. You seem to be doing just fine to me, think it is because you have lots of people who love you. :)
ReplyDelete